On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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