At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
