People with herpes should wear stickers.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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