were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
