Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
