Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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