It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
