Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
