You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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