guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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