hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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