Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
