Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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