every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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