i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was like eating out sand paper
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
