Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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