I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
