I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
