so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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