What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
