Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
