the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
