I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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