so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
