Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
