We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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