Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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