I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
