Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
