i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
