She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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