I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
