And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
