My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
