What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
