two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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