Apparently you make a good broom.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
