He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
