i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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