Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
