I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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