in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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