Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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