i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
