so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
