I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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