Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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