my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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