i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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