Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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