How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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