'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
