hell yes lets make some ravioli
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
