I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
