I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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