I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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